Garbage Pail Kids
The Nostalgia Critic holds his face in his hands, too speechless to give his normal introduction NC: [removing his hands] I...got...nothing. I have absolutely nothing. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to say? Garbage Pail Kids. Does the title even sound like it's gonna attempt to be a good movie? NC pauses for several seconds, turning his head away from the camera in despair. NC: [facing the audience] I feel raped! I feel honest to God raped by this movie, it is that bad! There is no talent, no effort... nothing salvageable! Nothing salvageable about this movie at all! [another pause] Show the credits! Let's get started. The title card of the film is shown, followed by miscellaneous footage of various scenes with "Working With Each Other" sung by the Garbage Pail Kids playing in the background NC: [voice-over] It's, uh... it's, uh... it's... NC: ...it's gonna hurt. I'm not gonna lie. It's really going to hurt. So, why waste any more time just talking about it? Oh, I can think of a few reasons. But, let's take a gander anyway. (pause) Be very afraid. Cut to stills of Garbage Pail Kids Trading Cards while the film's ending song "You Can be a Garbage Pail Kid" plays in the background. NC: [voice-over] First, a little history. Garbage Pail Kids was actually a deck of trading cards that children would pass around. It was obviously satirizing the Cabbage Patch Kids, but these were quite different. They were gross, violent, and totally disgusting. So, as you can imagine, they were a huge hit. And kids all around the country were passing them around and trading them. Cut to the standard MGM logo NC: [voice-over] Then some numb-nuts at MGM thought to themselves... (Cut back to the stills of the trading cards) NC: [voice-over] ..."hey, there's some great potential for a really good, gripping story here." NC: I don't know what he was smoking either. Let's just pray he got brain damage from it. Cut to random film clips of The Garbage Pail Kids Movie NC: [voice-over] And so Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie was created, in the loosest form of the word "created". How can they make a film based on a trading card that has absolutely no character or story development at all? NC: I'm still not convinced they did, but let's take a look at what they put together anyway. Cut to a clip of a spaceship shaped like a garbage can floating through space in the movie NC: voice-over So it starts off in outer space where we see a giant space garbage can flying around. What is it? Where did it come from? What relevance does it have on the story? NC: I don't know, it never tells us! It NEVER ''FUCKING tells us! You could show a flying rabbit float across the screen and it would make about as much sense! ''Clip shows a rabbit dressed like Superman flying across the screen; scene cuts to an antique store NC: voice-over We then cut to an antique store--In this economy? That's a laugh.--where a garbage can begins to shake and rumble. We then cut to a painting whose eyes watch the can as it moves back and forth. Will the movie explain to us why the picture's eyes are moving and glowing? NC: (laughing) I think you give this movie way too much credit! NC: voice-over We then see the owner of the antique store enter into the room. Captain Manzini (Anthony Newley): If I catch anybody up here...I'll be very surprised. NC: What does that even mean? NC: voice-over We then cut to the next day, as we see a boy named Dodger... Cut to a scene of the Dodger from Oliver Twist NC: voice-over ...Not THAT Dodger! ...being chased through the park by what look like 80's jazzercise artists. NC: Ah, so THESE must be the Garbage Pail Kids, right? God, they're even stranger looking than I imagined! NC: voice-over That must be 80's McNo-style (Juice), Hairspray Overheel (Tangerine), Bully El Stereotype (Wally), and Man-ish T. Tarzan (Blythe). NC: Wow, it's like the cards are coming to life! NC: voice-over Actually, it turns out these are just bullies, which our main character Dodger has to deal with, which is a little strange considering he's gotta be about twelve years old and they look like they're almost in their twenties.* What are they doing going after a fifth-grader? bullies Wow, a whole two dollars! We could get some hardcore cotton candy for that! *According, to the profiles for the crew, the actor for Dodger was 14 and the actress for Tangerine was 15 at the time of the film's release. Also they were both really dating at the time. Cut to Blythe laughing in an unnatural manner NC: Boy, they can't even make the simple act of laughing look natural. I bet we're gonna see some real breakthrough performances in this motion picture epic! Clip of Blythe laughing repeats; cut to NC who imitates her laugh in a mocking manner NC: voice-over So Dodger goes to his job at the antique store where he's joined by his boss, Captain Manzini. I suppose they call him that because he held some sort of command, but I think it's because he had a kids' show on PBS or something, you know like Captain Kangaroo, only minus the fun. Dodger tries to tell him about his bully problem, but Manzini's only job seems to be to talk in motivational speeches. Manzini: Losing is relative, my dear boy. Patience is a bitter vine, dear Dodger. Every single piece is a diary of the human spirit. What matters...is conceding with grace. NC: (As Dodger) Yeeeaahh, you wanna get to the part where you actually help me? Manzini: (Brandishes a sword) Man could settle all of his differences with one of these. Then some damn fool invented gunpowder and a bigger damn fool split the atom. That's when I decided to lead mankind to its folly. NC: (As Manzini) Nobody knows how to kill people anymore, it's a lost art! NC: voice-over Dodger, of course, asks about the mysterious trash can that Manzini seems to be hiding from him. Manzini: Have you ever heard of Pandora's Box? According to legend, all of the troubles in the world were once squeezed into one tiny, little box. Dodger (Mackenzie Astin): I don't understand. Manzini: Think of this as Pandora's Pail. NC: Why don't you just tell him what's really in there? A bunch of annoying shits that won't shut the fuck up, that'll keep him away from there! NC: voice-over So as Dodger continues to look after the store, one of the gang members named Tangerine comes around wearing a leotard made out of God-knows-how-many-dead-blue-leopards. Cut to Dodger in the store with Tangerine; while Tangerine picks something up, Dodger leans in and smells her hair, as if attracted to her NC: Aww, how charmingly creepy. I'll bet he's gonna be a great serial killer one day. NC: voice-over But the EVIL gang comes back again, lead by their leader, simply named "Juice". Tangerine (Katy Barbery): Juice, baby, come on! He's just a kid. He's not worth the time it'll take to beat him up, forget it! Juice (Ron MacLachlan): Wish I could help you, baby. But the little creep's gotta be taught a lesson. It's a matter of principle. NC: Yeah, that's pretty bad when you're jealous of a twelve-year-old. NC: voice-over Dodger tries to escape, but is pulled back by one of the gang members. Blythe pulls Dodger back into the store against her bosom NC: voice-over (As Dodger) Wow, this is gonna be the best death ever! (normal) But Dodger proves he still has a few tricks up his sleeve! Dodger tries to run but pulls a basketball against the other male bully NC: voice-over (As Wally) Wha? A basketball? I've never seen one of those before! Does it bite you, or (basketball hits Wally) OH! (normal) But the gang grabs Dodger and takes him into the sewer, where they pour a ton of sewer water all over him. Dodger is dumped with sewer water; Juice makes his way back up to street level, then stops to taunt Dodger Juice: See you later, creep. NC: (As Juice) You like that? I took hours thinking that up. I never heard of an education for nothin'! NC: voice-over But Dodger is pulled out by a group of people who look like they just came from the Munchkin Land ghetto. The Garbage Pail Kids finally appear and, yeah, they're hideous. Their faces are shriveled and creepy, their eyes just stare off into the distance, and their lips bulge out while hanging open constantly. They rescue Dodger and surround him as he lays unconscious; their mouth movements are noticeably limited and unrealistic Valerie Vomit: Don't! That's poison. Windy Winston: This will make him wake up! Ali Gator: Same to you, Buddy! NC: voice-over Yeah, don't you love the way their lips move? It's not like you actually have to close your mouth all the way, is it? Nat Nerd: I'm Nat Nerd. Windy Winston: Fooled ya! I'm Windy Winston! NC: (Moves his mouth rigidly with his voice dubbed over to fill his crystal-clear speech) Because all people move their lips like this, right? (moves mouth a bit more) NC: voice-over Manzini comes back to find that the Garbage Pail Kids are loose, and is incredibly kind enough NOT to tell us where the hell they came from. Manzini: Meet the Garbage Pail Kids! Messy Tessie: Tessie. (Tessie motions to shake hands with Dodger, but she's covered in snot) Manzini: '''Don't shake hands with Messy Tessie. '''NC: Are they from another planet? Foul Phil: I'm Foul Phil! (To Manzini) Daddy? NC: Did they come from another dimension? Valerie Vomit: Hi! I'm Valerie Vomit! (Pretends to vomit, scaring off Dodger) NC: Do they have any personality outside of just doing gross stuff? Greaser Greg: I'm Greaser Greg. Wanna rumble, kid? Dodger: No, thanks. NC: Are any of them NOT racist? NC: voice-over Oh, look the nerdy one just pissed his pants. Because, that's funny, right? RIGHT? (Nat Nerd wets his pants as pee spills on the floor; Manzini proceeds to mop it up) NC: The correct answer is...NO. (The word "NO" appears in big red subtitles) Manzini: Since you won't go back into the pail, you must at least promise me that you will... Garbage Pail Kids: Stay away from the Normies. Dodger: What are "Normies"? Greaser Greg: They're normal people. Messy Tessie: We got to hide from them. Ali Gator: Yeah, they think we're ugly. Manzini: Ugliness is not in a mirror. Ugliness is cruelty, meanness of spirit...greed. To be blessed with unusual features is an adventure. NC: He's right, you know. Beauty has always been in the eyes of the beholder. And anyone who has eyes can clearly see that they are ugly as sin! NC: voice-over So for some reason, Manzini doesn't have the right magic to get them back into the pail, which means Dodger has to spend most of his time looking after them, as Manzini tries to think up a way to get them back in their canned prison. NC: The faster you can get on top of that, the better! NC: voice-over Once he gets a break from the kids, Dodger goes to stalk that Tangerine chick, who, for some reason, likes to dress like she's a friggin' birthday present. Clip shows Tangerine emerging from her apartment in a pink, frilly outfit; replay of Blythe laughing obnoxiously again NC: voice-over She tells Dodger that she's off to the dance court to sell some clothes she designed, and actually invites Dodger to come along with her. Dodger and Tangerine drive off in her convertible Dodger: So what do we do when we get there? Cut to the next clip immediately after he asks this; the scene has instantly turned from daylight to nightfall Tangerine: What do you mean, like how do you sell the clothes? NC: voice-over WHAT THE HELL? NC: Why did she wait until nightfall to answer that question? Was she really just sitting there in total silence until she thought up a response? Dodger: So what do we do when we get there? Tangerine and Dodger drive through the night; the NC watches quizzically as Tangerine says nothing for several seconds as the scene loops Tangerine: What do you mean, like how do you sell the clothes? (NC screams, unprepared for her sudden response) Dodger: Yeah. NC: voice-over Boy, don't ask her to play Password anytime soon. So they get to the dance court to sell her clothes, when one of the women asks her for the shirt she's currently wearing. Tangerine removes her top, exposing her bra to Dodger, who backs away fearfully NC: as Dodger Oh my God! Boobs! I didn't know she had boobs! It's the most terrifying thing I've ever seen! Why isn't somebody doing something? She has boobs, BOOBS! voice-over Meanwhile, we cut back to the Garbage Pail Kids, who...um, just do stuff, I guess. The Kids rummage through the garbage Nat Nerd: We don't have any money! Greaser Greg: Hey, no problem. We'll carve out an IOU! (Brandishes a switchblade knife and clicks the blade open) NC: Oh, that's nice, one of the kids has a pocket knife. Remember, kids: Real beauty is on the inside, and if you disagree, I'LL CUT YOU OPEN TO PROVE IT! NC: voice-over So the kids end up STEALING A PEPSI TRUCK....yeah, that's a good lesson for children....as they accidentally drive over Juice's car. Valerie drives the truck over Juice's car, flattening it into a smoking pancake Juice: Look what you've done to my car! WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY?! NC: OK, how the fuck do you drive over a car? It's not a goddamn monster truck. Valerie Vomit: Hey, we're the Pepsi generation! Laughs NC: voice-over Why do I get the feeling Pepsi regrets that promotional plug? Cut to the kids, who have a weenie roast around the fire, eating hot dogs and other stolen foods Greaser Greg: Pass the mustard. Foul Phil: Pass the onions and garlic! Valerie Vomit: Ali, you ate my burger! Ali Gator: Was that yours? Valerie Vomit: Yeah! Ali Gator: Oh, yeah? Prove it! Valerie Vomit: I can't, you ate the evidence! Greaser Greg: Yeah, yeah, tough toothpaste! Foul Phil starts groaning NC: WHERE'S THE STORY?! NC: voice-over I mean, did they just leave the camera on? They're doing nothing, absolutely nothing! GIVE US A PLOT, YOU DAMN MOVIE! Foul Phil: '''My tummy hurts! '''Windy Winston: '''What did you eat? '''Foul Phil: Everything! Windy Winston: 'That'll do it, alright! ''Cut to the NC, who rubs his forehead, evidently aggravated '''NC: This film is physically hurting me. Cut to the antique shop, where the kids are recovering from hangovers after their night out NC: voice-over Well, the only thing that even comes close to a plot thread is that the kids can actually sew. Yeah, because, they really look like the sewing type, don't they? In fact, they're apparently so ''good at it, that they give Dodger a jacket, that looks so ridiculous that it wouldn't even make it as Michael Jackson's hand-me-downs. Seriously, only the fashionably-retarded would think this is actually good-- ''Dodger shows off his jacket to Tangerine, who's instantly impressed Tangerine: Wow! Where did you get those clothes? That is some coat! NC: 'I rest my case. '''NC: 'voice-over So, I guess people who dress like Christmas gifts really dig Dodger's fashion, as Tangerine suddenly sees a business opportunity. '''Tangerine: I was just thinking, maybe I could sell them for you, you know; along with mine. You know, that jacket makes you look...older. NC: '(as Dustin Hoffman's character in [[WTF Is With the Ending of The Graduate?|''The Graduate]]) Why, Miss Tangerine, you're trying to seduce me! 'NC: 'voice-over So he returns to the shop to tell the kids how it all went. '''Dodger: '''Tangerine loved the outfit. '''Greaser Greg: '''Uh, chicks is chicks, and I know my chicks. '''NC: (As Greaser Greg) Yeah, I know my chicks! They have penises, right? NC: 'voice-over But Dodger tells them that he needs more clothes to impress Tangerine. The kids agree to make more clothes as they hop to their feet and... ''The Garbage Pail Kids suddenly break into song, singing "Working With Each Other" 'Greaser Greg: '(Singing) Why should we do something nice? '''NC: voice-over Oh, NO, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO! NC: '''A SONG?! THEY ACTUALLY HAVE A SONG IN THIS MOVIE?! '''NC: voice-over When did they at any point indicate that this was a musical? It's like a drive-by singing, it just comes out of nowhere! Cut to the kids dancing lazily to their song; close-up of Windy Winston's face Windy Winston: (Singing) Come on, Kids! Take a shot! Show them what we really got! NC: voice-over On top of that, this song is just HORRIBLE. It sounds like a Disney ballad if it got sodomized by a donkey! NC: 'as the Garbage Pail Kids; singing to the tune of "Heigh Ho" Heigh ho, heigh ho, this movie's gonna blow! '''NC: 'voice-over Beside the fact that their lips never synch up during the song and that it's more like choreographed walking as opposed to dancing, am I the only one who finds it weird that they're singing about working together while they're stealing the equipment they need?!?! 'NC: '''The lessons in this movie are more imbalanced than a game of Jenga! '''NC: 'voice-over And just to top it all off, the nerdy kid pisses his pants again. Clips show the kids stealing sewing equipment from a local sweat shop; eventually cuts to Nat Nerd who again pees on the floor '''NC: Oh yeah, because it was SO funny the first time. Cut to Dodger the next morning, carrying a grocery bag into the shop NC: As Dodger Hello! It's morning, and I have no school, home or parents to report to! Dodger: Yo, guys! Got breakfast for ya. Kids clamor around the food Greaser Greg: Hey, if you do get that chick, all you got is trouble. Dodger: 'I just want her to like me. '''Valerie Vomit: '''Careful what you wish for, you might get it. '''NC: '''Ah, words of wisdom from Valerie Vomit, thank you so much. '''NC: 'voice-over So Dodger goes off to show off the new clothes while the kids just...(Sigh) sit around, I guess. '''Nat Nerd: Look what I found! Shows off a TV The kids all clamor around the TV, trying to get it to work Ali Gator: '''Aww, it doesn't work. '''Windy Winston: Oh, no! Messy Tessie: I'll fix it. Foul Phil: No, you broke it! Messy Tessie: Well, maybe we should get back to work. Ali Gator: No way! Greaser Greg: '''Yeah! All work and no play? No way! '''NC: DO SOMETHING! NC: voice-over I'm tired of sitting around listening to the high school version of "I Can't Believe It's Not Muppets"! Just do something productive, ANYTHING, I don't care! Valerie Vomit: Let's go see a movie picture! NC: Yes! Watching any movie different from the one I'm watching now is definitely a plus! Cut to the kids, all donning trench coats, sunglasses, and berets NC: voice-over So the kids dress up in costumes as they walk among the normal people. You know, how come in movies, no one can ever see past a trench coat and fedora hat? Are they like Clark Kent's hypnotizing glasses, do they just make people stupider? Nat Nerd: Hey, check it out! Old Faithful! Nat Nerd pees on the floor yet again as the kids groan in disgust NC: Oh yay, another pissing-your-pants joke, because you know: Twelfth time's a charm! NC: voice-over So they find some miniature ATVs because most good antique stores have miniature ATVs and they go to a movie theater where they're showing Three Stooges shorts. Cut to the theater where the Three Stooges are on; the kids steal food from the patrons, who are laughing manically at the show NC: First of all, WHAT movie theater shows Three Stooges shorts anymore? This isn't the forties! NC: voice-over Second, is everyone in this theater high? I mean, I love the Three Stooges, but they're all laughing like fucking hyenas! NC: Maybe they've been devoid of real humor in this movie that even the moderately-funny stuff seems incredible to them. Cut to Blythe again, laughing NC: voice-over After that, they take a stop at the toughest bar in the world that is literally titled "The Toughest Bar in the World". Who wrote this? Cut to Windy, who smashes through the bar with his ATV to rescue Ali Gator from the angry bar patrons NC: LOOK OUT! Puppets created by Jim Henson's mentally-retarded brother! Windy proceeds to aggressively fight the bar patrons, until the bar owner turns up in his defense Bar Owner: 'Hold it, hold it! The little sucker's got guts. Drinks for everybody! '''NC: '(Slaps himself) What kind of bar would operate like that?! Hey, that kid just killed my wife, ate my dog, and crucified my mother! He's got guts. Drinks for everybody! Cut to the kids back in the shop '''NC: voice-over So, I know what you're thinking: These kids are just so charming and irresistible, surely there must be more of their kind somewhere. Dodger: Where are your friends now? Valerie Vomit: We think they might be locked up somewhere! Foul Phil: '''In a really terrible place! '''Windy Winston: In the State Home for the Ugly! Dodger: '''State Home for the Ugly? I can't believe people would actually make a place like that. '''NC: Wait, wait. State Home for the Ugly? You're kidding, right? Manzini: I didn't want to believe that such a place could actually exist. Dodger: Do you believe it now? Manzini: Oh, now, yes. NC: YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS! NC: 'voice-over Yes! Apparently there's a State Home for the Ugly, where men literally walk around with nets and capture ugly people, the same way dog catchers capture puppies for the pound. ''Two State Home for the Ugly guards net a small girl who they mistake for an ugly person due to her mask but then realize their mistake '''Guard 1: '''You shouldn't wear a mask unless it's Halloween, kid. '''Guard 2: No hard feelings, hey kid? NC: WHAT WORLD, REALITY, DRUGS...WHERE WOULD YOU EVEN GET FUNDING FOR THAT?! NC: voice-over I mean, you're telling me there's an actual State Home for the Ugly and yet Joan Rivers, Michael Moore, and Carrot Top are allowed to roam free?! (Photos of said people are shown) NC: '''What kind of sick, crazy world is this? '''Dodger: So are we gonna find the place? Manzini: '''Saddle up, partner. We're gonna find the Home for the Ugly. '''Dodger: All right! NC: voice-over So, yeah, where the hell did this plot thread come in? Who the fuck cares? Let's just follow it and see how much damage it causes. Okay, so they find the State Home for the Ugly where they plan to break in one night and get all the ugly people out. But it has to wait as the other plot thread about the designed clothes is taking place as well. How did we go from a movie with no plotlines to a movie with too many plotlines? Cut from State Home for the Ugly to Dodger and Tangerine Tangerine: You gonna make a lot more of those things for me? I got big plans for us. Dodger: Us? Tangerine kisses him passionately on the ear, almost as if she's nibbling it NC: voice-over Dude, is she nibbling his ear? You can go to jail for that! Tangerine: Bye, baby. I'll see you tomorrow. NC: '''Tangerine I'll be sure to tell all my other pedophile friends how cool you are! '''NC: voice-over But it turns out Tangerine's heart still belongs to Juice. Good God! "Tangerine", "Juice"? This isn't a cast of characters, it's a fucking grocery list. Juice: It feels lousy, abandoning my principles for money. Tangerine: Principles? Juice: Yeah, letting the little creep live. NC: (Disbelieving) WHAT IS UP WITH THIS GUY? Did Dodger kill his father or something? I mean, what's up with the hate? NC: as Juice I suppose I should be dealing some drugs or robbing some liquor stores, but nah. A twelve-year old with a fashion scheme, that's where the real money is. Cut to Juice and his gang going into the store; then cut to the kids playing cards; close-up on Nat Nerd NC: voice-over Oh! Wait a minute! I think they're gonna do another pissing pants joke again! Nat Nerd pees again on the floor and giggles mischievously, right on queue NC: (Chuckles) Well, you know what they say: If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, TRY, TRY, TRY...(Voice speeds up until he's squeaky-voiced and he screams "TRY" repeatedly as he becomes increasingly agitated and violent; he proceeds to slam his head on the desk repeatedly until he finally snaps) UNTIL YOUR FUCKING LITTLE MIND CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! NC: voice-over But Juice finds out about the Garbage Pail Kids, breaks into the store, and sends them to the State Home For the Ugly. Why? So that Tangerine can take credit for the clothes that they made as she displays them in her very own fashion show. Uhh, you know, you still need the kids to make future clothes, right? Cut to Dodger, desperately asking Tangerine at the fashion show what happened to his friends. Juice watches with malicious pleasure Dodger: '''Where are they? WHERE?! '''NC: Dodger I'm acting! (Whines) NC: voice-over So the bullies take Dodger out back and throw him into a dumpster to keep him out of trouble. But little did they know that clever ol' Dodger could get OUT of the dumpster. Cut to Dodger, who easily escapes out of the dumpster hatch and walks off; cut to the NC, who slaps his hat out of surprise at their sheer stupidity NC: voice-over Meanwhile, at the State Home for the Ugly, they keep the kids locked up with all of history's hideous treasures, like Gandhi, Abraham Lincoln, and Santa Claus. Did they ever read this out loud? Cut to prison guards Guard 1: They're crying. Reckon we should shut them up? Guard 2: They'll be gone soon. Guard 1: Gone where? Guard 2 makes a crushing motion with his hands, scaring the Garbage Pail Kids NC: So not only do they imprison ugly people, but they also kill ''them? Look, I know the Reagan years weren't always perfect but, somehow I just can't see him signing off an establishment like this! ''Clip of President Reagan at the podium NC: as Reagan Ugly people need to be destroyed. NC: voice-over But luckily, Dodger and Captain Manzini come along to save the day.Manzini I'm so glad I can free you from this prison just so I can entrap you in an even smaller garbage can, hooray! voice-over There's even a scene where a bunch of their biker friends use their Harleys to rip the bars off the windows. Why? They took out all the guards, why didn't they just go through the front door? NC: '''tone Use your thoughts, writers! Use your thoughts! '''NC: voice-over So they all make it to Tangerine's fashion show where they plan to show that thief a thing or two. NC: Oh, great, so what are they gonna do? Like, throw paint on the clothes, cut the dresses into ribbons, or.... The kids proceed to rip the clothes off the models, revealing their lingerie NC: voice-over Strip them off the models exposing their almost totally naked bodies? IS THIS MOVIE FOR KIDS OR WHAT?! So then we get an exciting climax, which consists of a lot of farting, sneezing, and even vomiting. Gee, could this be anymore enchanting? Cut to various scenes of the kids doing gross stuff to the crowd; Valerie vomits violently on the bullies; cut to the NC, who pretends to savor every moment of this sight NC: (Quietly) Delightful. NC: voice-over Then get the final showdown between Juice and little Dodger. Juice punches out Dodger, knocking him flat NC: Dude, you're beating up a twelve-year old? What an asshole! Dodger gains the upper hand and punches Juice repeatedly while sitting on him NC: (Laughing) You're getting beat up by a twelve-year old, what an asshole. NC: voice-over But Captain Manzini comes in to calm little Dodger down. Dodger stops punching Juice and starts whimpering as everyone looks on; Manzini comforts him and calmly leads him away NC: voice-over (As Dodger, sniffling) I wish my parents had been written into this movie. They would know how to comfort me. normal So after the fashion show is destroyed, Tangerine tries to make amends with Dodger, but somehow being lied to, abused, molested, and beaten both physically and mentally doesn't quite do it for Dodger anymore. Cut to Dodger and Tangerine Dodger: No thanks. I don't think you're pretty anymore. (Tangerine is crushed, and Dodger walks away) NC: voice-over (As Tangerine) Wow, I got burned by a fifth grader. I think I've hit a new low. voice-over So Manzini tries to sing the kids back into the pail with a spell he's written, but ultimately backfires, as those lovable rapscallions ride into the night looking for more media art forms to destroy. What a fucking load. The kids escape the shop and ride the ATVs away into the night while waving and saying good-bye NC: (Outraged and mad as hell) THIS...IS...IT. THE WORST! THE ABSOLUTE WORST! NO story, NO character, NO plot....Just pain! Pure, concentrated pain! There's never been anything this bad in the history of badness! It should be studied! It should be analyzed! It is...(Speaks in a Satanic tone) PURE EVIL! NC: voice-over I don't know whether to give it to a scientist to examine or a priest to exorcise! I mean, it is remarkable, it is absolutely remarkable! Even the closing credits are hurting me! Everything about this movie is just plain HORRENDOUS! NC: In fact, I don't even know why I'm still watching it. I should turn it off before anything else-(He proceeds to turn it off, but there is a bright flash off light.) ''Oh my God! (''Two more flashes.) ''Oh my God! (''Another flash as he enters the bright, flashy portal from 2001: A Space Odyssey.) ''The movie is so bad it's actually splitting the fabric of space and time! (''He enters the portal and makes weird faces.) '' '''NC:' (In deep tone) My God! It's full of shit! (He starts yelling inaudibly, and then he enters a bright room with the sound effects from the same movie. He looks around and sees and older version of himself with long hair, eating Cheerios 2.) '' '''NC:' (To older self) Where am I? '' '''Older NC:' You are inside the bad movie. A film so horrible that it actually ages you, even as you watch yourself. NC: Wow! The movie's that bad? Older NC: Yes. Now piss off! (Throws a bagel at younger NC's head, knocking him out.) ''I'm trying to eat my processed cereal. (''A bagel is thrown at him.) Oldest NC: (Who is shown to have short, curly hair.) Will you shut up?! I'm tryin' to die over here for cryin' out loud! (He lies back down on his bed weakly) Ehh. Well, I'm done for. But at least I don't have to see that SHIT load ass of a movie again. (He laughs weakly, then has a surprised look on his face as another strange noise from 2001 is heard. He looks up, and sees the DVD floating in mid-air. He reaches out for it, only to give the middle finger. Then he's shown to be a piece of crap, wearing the the hat and glasses.) '' '''NC:' My God! It turned it to what the movie always was. A dirty piece of crap! ( Sing to tune of Also Sprach Zarathustra) ''Oh my God! (''The DVD zooms in closer to the camera, which then shows space, the Moon, and Earth.) ''It sucks! It sucks so bad makes you real mad it's rather sad. (''He then is shown to be viewing the Earth from space.) Oh my God! It sucks! Sad but true. (The camera then shows him singing in an opera like way.) ''I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it, so you, don't have to. The End. (''The last clip shows Blythe laughing weird again.) Note: This movie was ranked the Nostalgia Critic's #1 Worst Movie ever. Category:Content Category:Guides Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts Category:Transcripts Category:Nostalgia Critic